{ the heart }

Heart. Noun. 

1.

 A hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system 
2. The central or innermost part of something.


The heart. Physical source of life. Flowing blood through every inch of our body. Without this vital organ, we would be nothing.

The heart. Innermost part of something. The deep source of every emotion or feeling that stirs up. Excitement. Anxiety. Overwhelming joy. Brokenness. Abundant love.

This heart of mine has been on a rollercoaster. This is a post that has been brewing for some time now. So many things have been going on that grab hold of my heart and I can never forget how it made me feel. Simple every day things that make my heart overflow with emotions.

As I am in a craft store, trying to find the perfect touches for the little one's room, my attention is quickly grasped. "Daddy! Daddy!" I hear from a little girl who had to be around 4 years old. She must have seen the Hello Kitty section, I got excited too. But it wasn't the excitement of the toys that captured me. It was the sound in her voice. It sounded like a trusting, secure, never ending kind of love. It was genuine and so sweet. Because right now, that little girl's heart is her daddy.

Fast forward several days..grocery store. I hear a little one screaming at the tip top of his lungs. Constantly, like it's a game. His mom does nothing. I'm highly annoyed. So out comes my  flesh. Before I knew it I had rolled my eyes so hard, did the "huff and puff" kind of sigh.. got my things, and went to my car. As I sat there, God set something in me like a ton of bricks. "That will be you one day..". I'll be that parent, with zero energy left, feeling like I've handled too much in one day, and still rushing to get the last few things needed for dinner, while my child is in the cart testing the innermost part of me.

Today, my heart is eager and becoming a tad bit inpatient.. as we are still waiting to send off our assessment. But as we hear and know all to well .... It's a process. 

Can I be honest?

I sometimes don't know exactly what I feel about all of this. Because everything is filling up my heart at once. I'm excited, ready, anxious .. nervous, scared ...


So today, I pray this;

Lord, I need you to soften my heart. I do not want an unflexable, unteachable heart of stone. I want my heart to be led by You. I want you to be the innermost part of me. I believe that if I let go of my worries, fears, doubts, concerns, that you will lead me. Lord, lead me to be a Mom to those that are in need and allow me to shine your light into their lives. Help me to not be so tied up in timing and to know that in your time, things will happen.

Amen.

// B.

{plans}

I'll be 25 in exactly a week. Weird.

Remember when we all had "our plans"? You know the things in life that we had mapped out for ourselves, exactly how WE were going to have them. Or better yet, the game "MASH". Everytime we played this game it "automatically predicted our future". It told us who we would marry, what kind of car we would drive, where we would live, how many kids we would have, what our profession would be .... we thought we had it all figured out!

I'll be married by _____ and have kids by ____.

So "my plans" ...

For sure .. I thought by now I'd be raising a Little Campbell. Maybe a little boy, who wants nothing more than to go roll around the grass with Cheyenne (our precious pup). Maybe a little girl, who wants to bake cupcakes and bring them to her daddy at work.

But God says "not yet"...
Sometimes it's hard to let go of our own plans. There are times we think we have it all figured out and under control. Then when life seems to turn a different way, we become uncertain. Right now I'm in a period of uncertainty. I know that one day I will enjoy those precious moments with Little Campbell. But right now it's hard to see the end.

It's okay ...
Even though I'm unsure at times of what God really has lined out for my life, I am clinging to the fact that he really does have big things planned for us.

Today's uncertainty feels like I'm walking blindly.
Good thing is, I know the one ordering my steps. 

// B

{the parents}

The parents. Those that raise, teach, discipline, guide, nurture and most importantly... love. 

But as similar as they all might be, they are all still very unique in their own way. Some stay home to raise their nest. Others have to work to provide and are lucky if they can tuck their kids in bed. Some are strict and discipline on "every little thing", while others are a bit more lax and let things by.

What kind of parent will I be!?

K & I have joked and said that I am going to be the strict mom. If our child brings home a "C" on their report card ~ they will be grounded without a doubt! Where as K will say, "as long as you tried" your best, it's ok". But every situation is unique. Every child is their own.

For us, we don't know what kind of situation we will be faced with. The children that come into our home will need different things. Some may be tougher to parent than others. But all the while, they will still need that one common thing... love. 

But there are a few things I hope we do as parents......

 I hope we can share with them the memories of their heritage.

 // The rows of trees in the background were planted by my grandfather and great grandfather. To this day, they still stand.

// This is the farm where my mother and her sisters grew up. It was passed down from my great grandfather to my grandpa Charlie.

I hope we are able to let them create lasting memories with family.

May we teach them the value and love of a sibling. 

  "If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together ... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem & smarter than you think. Even if we're apart....I'll always be with you." ~ A.A. Milne

I hope they will know that even with the frustrating days, busy days and
crazy work schedules, they always come first.

   When they feel broken, ashamed, helpless, alone ... 
I hope they will feel in their hearts the love that we will always have for them.

Above all else, we will raise them through the love of our Father. Through continuous guiding, kind words, an overflowing forgiving heart. Even now, praying for those will enter our home.

At the end of the day, I just want us to give the children the best we can possibly give them. I want them to have a life changing experience while with our family.

Proverbs 22:5 (The Message) - "Point your kids in the right direction - when they're old, they won't be lost"

// B

{beginning this new direction}

Have you heard?! We are going to be PARENTS. Foster parents! By now, you may have seen  pictures of our special photo shoot or you have gotten a special letter from us. If this is your first time finding out .. surprise!

You may be wondering why we chose this route - or - how we heard about M.A.P.P. classes.

Well, in June, I was informed about the opportunity to take classes given at a local church. After talking to K about it, we decided to go to the information meeting first. In the beginning, we were under the impression that this was an adoption licensing class. But, in actually it was a foster class, which can give the chance for adoption ("foster to adopt" is the lingo we've been using). Needless to say, I was a little let down and honestly, heart-broken that I had high hopes that this was definitely what we had been waiting for.

After the info session, we sat in the car and I just looked at K and cried. I was so upset. I had waited all week for the meeting and was hopeful that we would get all the information we needed and would be on our way with adoption. Foster care to me was out of the question. I was feeling selfish. I didn't want to give them back. I wanted them to be ours forever.  Then K looked at me and said "lets give it a chance, if we don't like it, and realize it's not for us, we can opt out. What do we have to lose.."

I wasn't sold right away. I prayed. I had questions, and there was a constant theme rising in my heart. These children need someone to just LOVE them. God's love just begin to fill up in me more and more. All I wanted to do with it is pour it out all over these children and babies that just need that mother and father figure in there life. They are only kids. They don't fully understand why they go through certain things that pull them away from their families.

We weighed our options and spoke about what we both felt led to do and the journey began...

 Hours of classes. Stacks of paperwork to fill out. Hundreds of questions to answer. Hundreds of questions to ask. Countless wondering thoughts. A million more memories to come ....

Our hearts and minds have turned a new direction. We see things so differently now. We feel things differently. We think differently.

Everything is changing....

God has truly captured our hearts for the children. 

// B

{The path less traveled}

Our life. Some things are typical of others, while some things are far from normal. Amongst our day to day routine, squeezing in time in between the minutes to say hello, how are you , we still want to find time to have the norm. In finding the norm, we are being led down a path that sometimes is less traveled by. It will be the one that makes all the difference.

// B