{ the heart }

Heart. Noun. 

1.

 A hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system 
2. The central or innermost part of something.


The heart. Physical source of life. Flowing blood through every inch of our body. Without this vital organ, we would be nothing.

The heart. Innermost part of something. The deep source of every emotion or feeling that stirs up. Excitement. Anxiety. Overwhelming joy. Brokenness. Abundant love.

This heart of mine has been on a rollercoaster. This is a post that has been brewing for some time now. So many things have been going on that grab hold of my heart and I can never forget how it made me feel. Simple every day things that make my heart overflow with emotions.

As I am in a craft store, trying to find the perfect touches for the little one's room, my attention is quickly grasped. "Daddy! Daddy!" I hear from a little girl who had to be around 4 years old. She must have seen the Hello Kitty section, I got excited too. But it wasn't the excitement of the toys that captured me. It was the sound in her voice. It sounded like a trusting, secure, never ending kind of love. It was genuine and so sweet. Because right now, that little girl's heart is her daddy.

Fast forward several days..grocery store. I hear a little one screaming at the tip top of his lungs. Constantly, like it's a game. His mom does nothing. I'm highly annoyed. So out comes my  flesh. Before I knew it I had rolled my eyes so hard, did the "huff and puff" kind of sigh.. got my things, and went to my car. As I sat there, God set something in me like a ton of bricks. "That will be you one day..". I'll be that parent, with zero energy left, feeling like I've handled too much in one day, and still rushing to get the last few things needed for dinner, while my child is in the cart testing the innermost part of me.

Today, my heart is eager and becoming a tad bit inpatient.. as we are still waiting to send off our assessment. But as we hear and know all to well .... It's a process. 

Can I be honest?

I sometimes don't know exactly what I feel about all of this. Because everything is filling up my heart at once. I'm excited, ready, anxious .. nervous, scared ...


So today, I pray this;

Lord, I need you to soften my heart. I do not want an unflexable, unteachable heart of stone. I want my heart to be led by You. I want you to be the innermost part of me. I believe that if I let go of my worries, fears, doubts, concerns, that you will lead me. Lord, lead me to be a Mom to those that are in need and allow me to shine your light into their lives. Help me to not be so tied up in timing and to know that in your time, things will happen.

Amen.

// B.